There's so much to say

There is so much i will share that i have never shared with anyone else. My reputation is at stake and I need to get so much off my chest. You, the random blogger, will be the only one that reads this, not my friends, not my family, not these girls. I lost my virginity at 19. For the longest time I told people that I was a virgin and lost it this year, I still tell them i lost it this year. Later I will say who i lost it to and it's a good story.

I first moved to chicago at 19, that's when i met the girl i lost it to. I found that girls in chicago are high on the aphrodisiac in the air. Downtown smells like chocolate. I have never had this kind of attention, I grew up in rural America not many options not much exposure. Girls? Nympho's? What? Well I made this girl wait. For months i was with her and never had sex with her. She gave me my first BJ, i loved it but i never went down on her. With all this attention, I couldn't really handle myself. I never partied before I never got drunk (first time was at 22). With so many girls in this beautiful city why should I be with this one?

I never really was into her, it was just carnal. Compared to all the girls I made out with at parties or random BJ's this girl couldn't compare to them. She never knew. Before meeting up with her I had already made out with 5 other girls. Sex? Not yet but enjoying my innocence while I still had it. Why was i so insistent to keeping my V-Card for so long? I'm a christian, nuff said.

I dont remember all the details but it got down and messy one night that i caved. I cried afterward, really? what a pussy, I really was taking my faith serious and I became the antithesis of me. I never really had feelings for this girl, she did say "i love you." I left, she cried, im a jerk. Yes there are more jerk moves to come.

After the entropy, she still contacts me, she still goes down on me, we still have sex. I'm just waiting for the call, it's usually months after we've had sex that she calls me again. Five years later we still do it. She's not that great but serves for a good release. I have rent, bills, girls, school, and yes i do want to find love, so a semi-decent lay is good.

Alright 5 years after all the casual random sex I've decided to go celibate. I think my penis might just shrivel up inside and never come out again. Last night was a total mistake i still regret it since the first post i made. I will be honest and tell you if I failed again.

Same night, too many text messages.

Girl 1: Please call me

Girl 1: Dude Call me

Girl 1: Can we just chat for a minute

Girl 1: I'd love to chat

Not once did i respond and she kept repeating the text messages

Girl 2: I just put my pj's on, cute. mine are better than yours.

Me: I bet... Girls pajamas are cuter

Girl 2: My roommate is gone for the night you should come see my pajamas.

Me: I shouldn't but ok (there was more before this but I shortened it)

I'm pretty sure she wanted it. I hope I dont get the finger pointed at, seemed mutual

Last night shouldn't have happened.

Yesterday I did not work, just a lethargic day waiting for movies alfresco. Few drinks, few drinks after, then a call from a girl I have been avoiding.

Here's a Preface: A pastor's daughter, maybe a virgin. We've made out so she thought we were more than buddies. What she didn't know was that I was fooling around with someone else. Poor girl, she never got the hint. After I told her this will not go further than this she still entertained the idea that we can still be.

Well, fuck it I'm inebriated i should give her the time of day or night. She never fails to call me drunk either, lucky for her I haven't got laid in a long time (a month). She always says she just wants to "cuddle", oh I'm sure of it! Aversely heading down the stairs, in my mind looped repeatedly "you shouldn't do this" over and over.

Damn she was wearing nothing under. A very cute night dress. Great! so much for "cuddling." I knew i wasn't supposed to do this, I'm just going to feed her insecurities in the morning. Slowly I go in and oh crap "why am I almost done?" Whatever I played it off, "we shouldn't be doing this." So much for all this time I spent with my hand and the booze I drank. I should have been callused or numb. Maybe I never had sex with something so tight. This morning I woke up next to her at 7:30 and I just left. Here come the text messages, how angry she is with herself, angry with me, we should be dating if we're going to do this, her friends are going to hate me. Fuck you leave me alone, I'm pretty sure your nymphomaniac ass hasn't tried to seduce me for the past year. Well I know i wont be sharing this with anyone else so I decided to create a blog about all my miscomings.